10-9-8-7-6…. It isn’t the countdown for Narwhals blasting off to their round trip to High Barnet. The table has lost the plot on the scores again. Two weeks ago, El Presidente Ogg announced to tired eyes Narwhals. We were the first nation to set foot on the moon, cough, Enfield. Sure, the Croydon people have a very poor living standard, limited healthcare and a disproportionately high number of one ethnicity in the ‘justice’ system, but we will go to Enfield again. A hastily

Edward “Wobble” Gamble (definitely no relation to the comedian) is known for three things: wobbling, his hatred of anyone who drinks cider and wobbling. However, a little-known fact is that he somehow manages to be the only man to assist every goal that the Narwhals have ever scored. Today was an even stranger phenomenon where he somehow was recorded as having every assist in a game against Enfield 2s despite being nowhere on the match sheet. I could sense a conspiracy was af

This Spring, when time is against them and kickoff waits for no one, several Narwhals push the laws of physics to outrun danger, destiny, and the referee’s whistle. High Barnet, Planet Northern Line 19:30:00 UTC; 30th March 2026 4 Narwhals stand on the precipice. Kick off is fast approaching, but we don’t have enough men to win the battle. “5 minutes to kick off”, the referees are agitated. Where are they? The Bridge, somewhere near Croydon, Earth 18:45:00 UTC; 26th February

The Narwhals embarked on what was billed as a routine expedition to Bushy Park, navigating their way to an open-air pool that could only generously be described as a “narrow strategic waterway”. The strait itself was busy but stable, clogged with erratic triathlete traffic in questionable lycra, churning up the waters like pre-conflict tanker routes still clinging to normality. Despite a few lingering tensions from prior regional skirmishes, conditions were calm. The oil pric

With the release of the Epstein Files, Narwhali chose to celebrate with a game we wish could be redacted. Unfortunately, without our resident MI6 agent Andy Winterbotham and TJ being too old for Trump’s career to be at risk, we unfortunately must tell you the story of the game against Leeches. However, despite not playing, our MI6 agent was able to recover some emails between the referees and Leeches head coach which may prove interesting to those in the know. (Although the

Blue Marlin – “That Escalated Slowly” Our first victory of the season arrived in classic Narwhal fashion: slightly chaotic, mildly confrontational, and almost certainly full of confusion. The opposition, Blue Marlin, brought exactly what you would expect. A bit aggy. A bit boisterous. A bit like they couldn’t remember the rules. We, meanwhile, lacked our usual punchy Italian to cancel out theirs, so we did the honourable thing and attempted to deal with him ourselves. Diploma

Welcome, Narwhal’s fans, to 2026. It’s your Pul-shitzer award winning Captain here, bringing us into the new year with some New Year resolutions! 80% of new year resoltuons are given up by mid-February[1], often due to lack of willpower or unrealistic aims. The below are not unrealistic aims, so lets see how our willpower holds up. We travelled down the a3 to Surrey Sports Park for an away fixture vs Guilford 2. A strong big squad of 12 Narwhals were available for our first g

Years ago, the Iratus Zingiber was often seen in South Croydon, frequenting Whitgift pool, the Amer Rani Indian Restaurant and the Crown and Sceptre pub, but in recent years sightings have fallen massively, primarily due to a destruction of its natural habitat, crap polo and Ironmen. However, the 19 th of November saw a very rare sighting of the Zingiber at Whitgift pool. The occasion was an alleged waterpolo game between South London's Finest (TM) and Eastern Otter. The we

A Very Serious Sporting Tale About a Not-At-All-Serious Narwhal You know a match has gone well when the opposition’s final words—shouted across the changing room—are: “WHERE DID YOU GET YOUR KEEPER FROM?!” Not “well played,” not “good match,” not even “what the hell was that?” Just pure bewilderment. Delicious. But to understand the legend of our keeper, we must swim back to the summer of 2019… The Origin of the Broken Narwhal After taking an emotional and tactical batteri

We all enjoyed our last game of the season so much that we decided to bring a bit of festive flair to the final match report. Feel free to do the full song end to end, or just do the verse in descending order. Which ever way you decide to do it, it will be a waste of time. See you at the Christmas Party! (where we can sing it…?) For the last game of the season, the Narwhals gave to me… 12 - Narwhals swimming 11 - Orca Goals 10 - Misplaced passes 9 - Shots off the woodwork 8 -

Chancellor of the Exchequer Gary Bowen steps up to the dispatch box to deliver his annual club accounts. A bead of sweat trickles down his back. How’s he going to deliver the news? Sure, everyone is going to be worse off than him, but it just makes fiscal sense. The chaps at the golf club told him – swing the club now – before anyone gets any better ideas. <Flash to earlier that day> What Gary doesn’t know is that Messers Finch and TJ Smith are on their work experience day

12 November Stats There are nights when fireworks light up the sky in a blaze of colour and glory. Then there are nights like this one, where the fuse burns brightly for a while before sputtering out in a sad puff of smoke. The South London derby between WT Narwhals and the South London Leeches promised explosions, drama, and aquatic pyrotechnics. Instead, it delivered the sporting equivalent of a damp sparkler left in a puddle. Remember, remember the fifth of November, where

Finch Jnrs next karaoke The water glows blue in the pool tonight Not a Gamble to be seen A game of only 7 players And it looks like I'm the queen The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside Couldn't stop myself, heaven knows I tried Don't let them swim, don't let them score Be the good boy you always have to be Conceal, don't fight, don't let them know Well, now they know Let him go, let him go Can't hold him back anymore Let him go, let him go Swim away and hands out

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage a man known the world over for his bold opinions, unmistakable style, and—today—his keen eye for aquatic excellence. He’s taken a short break from dining with the king to watch the mighty Narwhals. And after witnessing what can only be described as a thrilling display of grit, splash, and strategy, he’s here to share his thoughts. Put your hands together for the 45th President of the United States… Mr Donald J. Trump! *What a

Y'all, let's talk about the absolute drama that went down at the Enfield water polo match. The WT Narwhals rolled up with a massive ...

The evening began with a sense of optimism, what had been a stringy six at 10am had become a respectable 8 by 9pm. Whilst we had arrived...

Quarter 1. Shute shoots and scores after 16 secs. Holah fouls and is removed from the fray after a further 30 secs and again...

After hearing distressing reports that East Londoners were having shit chat and seeing off Smirnoff Ices, we as a club felt it was our...

As Jacob Zuma (ex South African President) once stated in a 2008 interview to Al Jazeera, “As you know, there’s been almost a Ding Dong...

Another well fought South London derby between the Narwhals and the Leeches ended with an 18-14 victory for the Narwhals. Two full...