Chancellor of the Exchequer Gary Bowen steps up to the dispatch box to deliver his annual club accounts. A bead of sweat trickles down his back. How’s he going to deliver the news? Sure, everyone is going to be worse off than him, but it just makes fiscal sense. The chaps at the golf club told him – swing the club now – before anyone gets any better ideas.   <Flash to earlier that day> What Gary doesn’t know is that Messers Finch and TJ Smith are on their work experience day

12 November Stats There are nights when fireworks light up the sky in a blaze of colour and glory. Then there are nights like this one, where the fuse burns brightly for a while before sputtering out in a sad puff of smoke. The South London derby between WT Narwhals and the South London Leeches promised explosions, drama, and aquatic pyrotechnics. Instead, it delivered the sporting equivalent of a damp sparkler left in a puddle. Remember, remember the fifth of November, where

Finch Jnrs next karaoke The water glows blue in the pool tonight Not a Gamble to be seen A game of only 7 players And it looks like I'm the queen The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside Couldn't stop myself, heaven knows I tried Don't let them swim, don't let them score Be the good boy you always have to be Conceal, don't fight, don't let them know Well, now they know Let him go, let him go Can't hold him back anymore Let him go, let him go Swim away and hands out

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage a man known the world over for his bold opinions, unmistakable style, and—today—his keen eye for aquatic excellence. He’s taken a short break from dining with the king to watch the mighty Narwhals. And after witnessing what can only be described as a thrilling display of grit, splash, and strategy, he’s here to share his thoughts. Put your hands together for the 45th President of the United States… Mr Donald J. Trump! *What a