The Leeches Files

With the release of the Epstein Files, Narwhali chose to celebrate with a game we wish could be redacted. Unfortunately, without our resident MI6 agent Andy Winterbotham and TJ being too old for Trump’s career to be at risk, we unfortunately must tell you the story of the game against Leeches.

However, despite not playing, our MI6 agent was able to recover some emails between the referees and Leeches head coach which may prove interesting to those in the know. (Although the Dow Jones is up so in the words of Attorney General Pam Bondi “That’s what we should be talking about”)

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From: David Leach DLeech@leeches.worsethannarwhals

To: Nicolai Revin  <nrvacations@narhwalimail.com>

Subject: Narwhali loss protocol

Date: Mon, 17 Feb 2026 12:03:27 +0000

Game against Narwhals tonight we want you to ref. Remember we have to win... or else we will give your qualifications to Zach Finch

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From: Nicolai Revin <nrvacations@narwhalimail.com>

To: David Leach DLeech@leeches.worsethannarwhals

Subject: RE: Narwhali loss protocol

Date: Mon, 17 Feb 2026 13:10:18 +0000

Will be there, last minuute will be enforced. George will drop the ball anyway (be sure your players bring baby oil for that shot). Please don’t make Zach a British Polo Ref. Super 5s will end up being reffed like a tour

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With the team arriving early for once you would assume that would mean a decant Narwhals start to the game after a good warm up. However, if there is one thing you should know about the Narwhals is that you should never underestimate their ability to be shit. After going 3-0 down Zach scored a goal directly off a corner (won by Gamble of course) and with this momentum George, position on the line after the recent keeping performances of Surrey’s Will Mitchell scored from his own 2m line... into the Narwhal net leaving the score 4-1 at the end of the quarter and many wishing TJ begged Will harder to come to the match.

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From: David Leach DLeech@leeches.worsethannarwhals

To: Nicolai Revin  <nrvacations@narhwalimail.com>

Subject: RE: Narwhali loss protocol

Date: Mon, 17 Feb 2026 21:10:38 +0000

Good quarter, thank you for making the Trinity staff put chlorine in just before the match, their keeper didn’t even know what side he was on. Remember our plan to send me out at the end of the game so people don’t think we’re planning anything... your career is on the line

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With a rousing team talk from Shute of “I’ve never seen us play this shit” Narwhals were hyped for the next quarter with 2 goals from Shute to put us back into the game despite them scoring 6 us missing 2 man ups and them scoring a lot of goals blah blah blah im redacting this text so it makes it look like i put in a lot of effort despite having a shit memory and nothing to say about thisquarterlalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllalalalalalalalalalalalalalaalalalalalaalalalaalalalalaalalalaala i didnt even get in the pool this quarter because everyone decided i was shitl10-3 to Leeches going into the half.

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From: David Leach DLeech@leeches.worsethannarwhals

To: Ed Wobble <wobbler@narwhalimail.com>

Subject: Scoreboard

Date: Mon, 17 Feb 2026 18:20:46 +0000

Just checking in, make sure you bring your shittiest batteries in the scoreboard to the game today, I’ve let Kat know that we will continue to play with a shot clock despite none of the players being able to see it

(Pic Unrelated)

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Going into the third quarter, Oggy decided to get everyone hyped by shoving everyone to make us all perform better. However, the game would have to wait as the scoreboard “killed itself” (some conspiracy theorists believe it’s in Tel Aviv at the moment) leaving us with extra minutes of rest. The team weren’t happy about this though with some saying, “the only thing worse than polo matches is polo matches taking longer than they should”. With no solution in sight, we decided to play without knowing the score. As the half started off a failed Leeches attack TJ pulled off a superb looping pass to Shute from the Narwhals 6m line for a push shot into the Leeches goal putting us up 1 in the quarter, however Gamble’s assisting aura changed the trajectory of the ball to allow this so the assist was given to him. After this Tim decided now was the time to unleash a beautiful bounce shot from 10m perfectly into the top corner to put us 2 in the quarter and with a missed Leeches penalty (George insists he saved it) we were comfortably ahead. This was too much good for one quarter so Narwhals graciously let in 2 more to make the score even at the quarter leaving the game unkown-unkown at the end of the quarter with Rob shouting at the subs bench and George to be louder and TJ giving him a thumbs up (his usual response to being told he’s shit).

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From: Nicolai Revin <nrvacations@narwhalimail.com>

To: Clive Donaldson Cd@bwpref. com

Subject: Quick chat this quarter

Date: Mon, 17 Feb 2026 21:50:56 +0000

Leeches look tired. Can we have a chat sometime during this quarter so we can let them rest a little more?

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Going into the last quarter the goal shifted from winning the game to the quarter. This miraculously made the us play as if we had something to prove with Shute scoring 4 and Rob scoring 1 this time without a huge Leeches response. This made Leeches furious and as a response forced the ref to give the Leeches coach a red card. After some protest from their coach Rob shouted “fuck off” from the pool which lead to Dave taking the walk of shame across the pool. This called for intense conferring between the 2 referees. Fortunately TJ is an excellent lip reader and this is what was said:

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Nicolai Revin: Hey just calling you over, did you get my email at the break?

Cliv Dinaldsone: Yes I did. What did you want to talk about?

Nicolai Revin: I just wanted to say have you seen TJ’s new chest tattoo it looks really good on him

Clive Dinaldson: Indeed, I’ve been staring at it all game so that's why I haven't been calling as many majors on Leeches players as I should

Nicolai Revin: Don’t worry about that I have a mission to make sure they win. Dave was telling me this win was promised to them 3000 years ago

Clive Donaldon: Still it must’ve been so painful with all that colour on his chest though, I bet he had to take many breaks to get it done

Nicolai Revin: My sources are telling me he apparently didn't feel a thing and it healed so quickly he played a game 4 days after getting it

CliveDonaldson: Wow their TJ is so cool, if only he could score goals

Nicolai Revin: we can’t all be perfect, anyway I think Leeches have had enough rest now shall we get the game started again?

Some have questioned the legitimacy of this translation, but we all know that TJ has never told a lie in his life, so this must be word for word exactly what they said during the break.

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Unfortunately this did seem to kill the motivation of the Narwhals with Leeches scoring 5 late in the quarter to bring us level meaning our goal of winning the quarter was out of reach, and with the table giving us the wrong time meaning we couldn’t try last minuute (terrible for a South London derby) and messing up the last second shot added salt to the wounds.

This left the final score at 17-10 to Leeches and a not so deserved trip to the pub for the Narwhals faithful after the game. Maddie was unfortunately nowhere to be found in the Leeches files more searching is required TJ will most likely take another trip to Portugal next game to find out more.

Man of the match: Zach for being least shit

Moment was given to Rob for telling Dave Leech to fuck off after his red card

Fluffer was given to George for his amazing wrists at the end of the first quarter

Forza Narwhali

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From: Andy Winterbotham  <aw1710@mi6.gov.uk>

To: David Leach DLeech@leeches.worsethannarwhals

Subject: Many Thanks

Date: Mon, 17 Feb 2026 23:47:54 +0000

Eye surgery went well, genius idea giving the players baby oil before the game so George would mess up that catch, that will secure my spot as keeper ahead of him. Now send Will’s girlfriend the attachment. That should get him out of the picture so I can remain as the top Narwhals keeper till Ed plays in national league.

Attachments: WillxTJdeepfake.png