The Narwhal Invasion of the Middle East (London)

After hearing distressing reports that East Londoners were having shit chat and seeing off Smirnoff Ices, we as a club felt it was our need to investigate these damming reports. Safe to say, we found more than we came for. 10 of our best soldiers were deployed. Their objective: take down the mystery team of ‘Eastern Otter’ and make sure they don’t continue being a threat to the league.

As the troop gathered their belongings and made their way around the M25, Frenchcore blasting out, there was a thirst for initial success – quotes of how many goals they were going to get were rudely interrupted by the impacts of the scenery of East London. A warzone, desolate and barren, with its only redeeming factor being the multiple “Wetherspoon” chain pubs decorating the otherwise eery high streets. Pulling up to the pool, our attendants went for their pmp prep as we prepared ourselves for battle.

After discussions of what we were going to in battle weren’t confirmed at the start, we started well – the balder half of our Italian mercenary duo picking up the first fatality, before a mix of shocking defending and an inability to pass crippled our position. Their centre proving their strength as we failed to implement our hastily realised plan. Marked worse as one of our more experienced men committed a war crime with 4 seconds left. Thankfully, Private Adam was securing our back end and managed to stop the attack. 2-2 after the first 10, and a series of stubborn words exchanged. “Don’t be shit” the pick of them.

As the 2nd 10 started, we shot out to a larger lead. Di Mari finally getting some reward up top despite some questionable officiating led to our 3rd, at which point the already diminished “Eastern Otter” had their capitulation. 4 more from us throughout the quarter, plenty of chances left out for the taking though. The Narwhal’s forces not satisfied with their work, committing another war crime, only for our last line of defence to come up on tops again.

The 3rd 10 came and went with a lack of accuracy and sloppiness throughout – still enough to best our eastern counterparts but nothing of note taking place. Tensions were rising though, the feeling of a dirty bomb being snuck in was closing, both teams ready to go at each other with full force.

The last 10 started with Private. Momeli being arrested after attacking their centre too many times – to the sidelines he went as we ploughed on through their remaining defences. As the battle looked to be won, the Eastern Otter were starting to play dirty, take the cheap shots. Di Mari drowned on many occasions before the Eastern Otter claimed an illegal shot – only for their claims to get ignored. As they protested, TJ picked up his token 1 before finishing the battle with a 2nd to sink them.

The aftermath left no more Smirnoff Ices and a small remainder of shit chat – ours only of course.

Man of the Match was a close battle, with both Sr. Finch have a superb game but Private Adam was conclusive in what has been described as “The best goalkeeping performance ever seen for this club” by Sr. Finch himself.

The Moment was clinical as both penalty saves were superb, neither being able to be picked between.

Fluff was inconclusive, rouge shouts of Di Mari’s centre play or the general lack of passing accuracy come to mind, but it was eventually voted for TJ for a particularly awful pass on a man up, going straight to the man in-front of him.

With the threat neutralised for now, we hope that we won’t have to repeat today’s outings for at least another 3 months.

Until next time, Forza Narwhali