Narwhals 27 – Enfield II 9 – A night of pounds and pence

Chancellor of the Exchequer Gary Bowen steps up to the dispatch box to deliver his annual club accounts. A bead of sweat trickles down his back. How’s he going to deliver the news? Sure, everyone is going to be worse off than him, but it just makes fiscal sense. The chaps at the golf club told him – swing the club now – before anyone gets any better ideas.

<Flash to earlier that day>

What Gary doesn’t know is that Messers Finch and TJ Smith are on their work experience day at the Office of Waterpolo Responsibility (OWR). They’ve landed a high-profile intern role publishing updates to the website. The OWR have been impressed by Mr Finch’s 80% (falling to 60% ahead of away games) Narwhals site updates.

TJ “I’ve done the writing bit, Finchy – you post Gary’s AGM Accounts update”

Finchy “I’m busy playing Fortnite with 14-year-olds – you do it”

TJ “I’ve WhatsApp’d mum – she’s just posted it now for us. Crown?”

<Club accounts summary>

TOP SECRET – Narwhals 2024/5 Annual Accounts

-          Minimum wage raises to £12.71 – Chancellor Bowen vows to keep the Narwhals on their volunteer contracts. Whether players will be required for two sessions a week will be decided in the Sprint Budget.

-          Taxes hiked on gambling – A surge in laast minuuute shots has long been seen as a potential target for the long-standing chancellor. The tax hike is expected to raise 14 goals a year for the club's coffers.

-          New mileage tax on electric cars – Narwhals are yet to fully explore whether an electric car can get to Reading and back on a Tuesday night. Fortunately, Chancellor Bowen has decided to make sure the club remains firmly team fossil fuel.

-          Two-child benefit cap scrapped – A new targeted tax aimed at Finch Senior, aiming to try to keep inflatable Finch from spawning a rival polo team

-          Salary-sacrifice pension contributions above £2,000 to face national insurance – Trying to swim ahead of the club’s financial position, Bowen seeks to encourage members to instead invest any pension contributions into the Narwhals. Whether the gamble pays off or not, Ed will only know.

-          State pension increases – With a working population of just 15, Chancellor Bowen has raised the pension age to 75 to ensure the smooth attendance of 7 players per game (falling to 6 in the last quarter).

Some water polo was played. Score in the headline.

Motm: Tim - superb showing back after his first game since January

Moment: George - did a good swim and scored a good goal - ug

Fluff: Chancellor Bowen