A MAGA Victory for the Narwhals

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage a man known the world over for his bold opinions, unmistakable style, and—today—his keen eye for aquatic excellence. He’s taken a short break from dining with the king to watch the mighty Narwhals. And after witnessing what can only be described as a thrilling display of grit, splash, and strategy, he’s here to share his thoughts. Put your hands together for the 45th President of the United States… Mr Donald J. Trump!

*What a tremendous win, folks. Let me tell you, the WT Narwhals have done something absolutely spectacular. Nobody expected it, but everyone knew they had the potential. The game against the Eastern Otters was nothing short of incredible. It was a match of pure power, skill, and determination. The Narwhals were fantastic. Believe me.

Look, the Otters—good team, solid team, I respect them—but they didn’t stand a chance. They came in with all their hype, their fancy moves, their so-called “strategy,” but the Narwhals? They played the game like winners. They came out strong, they finished strong, and when the final whistle blew, it was clear: the Narwhals were victorious, and the Otters were left scratching their heads.

You had star players out there—let me tell you, they were just fantastic. We saw some spectacular moves. The defense? Strong. The offense? Powerful. The goalie? Unstoppable. The WT Narwhals were like a well-oiled machine. Total dominance in the water, folks.

I’ve been following water polo for years, and I can say this with confidence—this was one of the greatest performances I’ve ever seen. No one thought the Narwhals could pull off this upset, but they did. And they did it with class. The Eastern Otters didn’t know what hit them. The Narwhals made history tonight. Mark my words.

So let’s give it up for the WT Narwhals. They’re the team of the year. Best in the business. No doubt about it. It’s a victory we can all be proud of. Thank you, and may the Narwhals continue to make waves, both in the pool and in the hearts of the American people!

Here’s what Mr Trump had to say about that moment of the match buzzer from Mr Gamble just before George scored:

“That was the moment, folks. Absolutely incredible—nobody saw it coming. Tremendous skill on the table, tremendous timing. People are saying it’s one of the greatest moments they’ve ever seen. And I agree. Just beautiful. Really, really special.”

And his words on James’ man up fluff:

“That was a total disaster—just a huge, unbelievable mistake. It was embarrassing, folks. I've never seen anything like it. You just can’t do that. Not in the big leagues!”

Finally, some words from Mr Trump on MVP Shute:

“They say he’s the greatest player on the pitch. I mean, just incredible. You ask anyone—’Are you impressed?’—and they say, ‘Absolutely!’ He’s fantastic. Really the best.”

—Donald J. Trump