The Thameside Cup

There are few traditions in life more reliable than death, taxes, and the Narwhals finishing second in the Thameside Cup.

For the third consecutive year, the Narwhals once again embraced their role as water polo’s perennial bridesmaids. And this time around, much like an actual bridesmaid at a wedding, we also got absolutely smashed in the process.

This year’s final saw us take on Croydon Amphibians with a generous 15-goal handicap. At the time, this seemed harsh. By the end of the evening, it felt more like a polite head start offered out of basic human compassion.

Warning signs arrived early. Croydon turned up with two coaches, a squad of 13 players, and an average age somewhere around 21. They were young, fit, athletic, organised, and all players appeared to possess two functioning hips, all their teeth and a solid understanding of water polo rules. The Narhwals by contrast...

To be honest, there is not a huge amount to analyse from the game itself. By the end of the first quarter, we found ourselves 7-0 down. Or, if you include the handicap, technically 15-7 up, which is the sort of statistical optimism usually reserved for politicians and Tottenham fans.

Unfortunately, reality quickly caught up with us.

The second quarter was marginally more respectable, ending 6-2 to Croydon, but the damage was already well underway. Their counter attacks were swift, clinical, and alarmingly frequent. Meanwhile, our own tactical approach appeared to centre around “interesting” passes directly into danger and allowing as many breakaways as physically possible.

Before the match, we spoke about the importance of staying calm, avoiding silly passes, and preventing counter attacks. Somehow the team collectively interpreted this as: “Let’s exclusively do silly passes and actively encourage counter attacks.”

The final score ended 33-22 with handicap applied. In real terms, that was 33-7, which is less a scoreline and more a cry for help.

Still, despite the suffering, there were moments worth remembering… which is perhaps subjective.

At one point, Matt Finch (pictured) earned himself a penalty in what should have been one of the great momentum swinging moments in Narwhal history. Sadly, during the act of shooting, Matt instead dropped the ball entirely and slowly sunk beneath the water. There will be no redemption arc here. No heroic retelling. Just history.

And yet, deep down, we all know the truth: had that penalty gone in, the momentum would have completely shifted and we probably would have only lost by 30.

Man of the Match deservedly went to Oggy for relentless battling in the pit despite receiving approximately zero reward for his efforts besides physical abuse and emotional exhaustion.

Fluffer of the Match was unanimously awarded to Matt Finch for what future generations will simply refer to as “the incident.”

Moment of the Match went to Rob Dickinson for a genuinely excellent goal towards the end of the game, briefly reminding everyone that the Narwhals are, in fact, technically capable of playing water polo.

Ultimately, this was one of those games best filed under “character building” and then immediately forgotten forever.

But despite another silver medal, another final defeat, and another evening of collective aquatic trauma, there is still hope. One day, maybe, somehow, the Narwhals will finally lift that trophy instead of politely admiring someone else doing it.

Until then, we remain the nearly men of Thameside water polo.

Still… we can always dream.

Forza Narwhali