Project Hail Barnet
- zacfinch11
- 5 hours ago
- 3 min read
This Spring, when time is against them and kickoff waits for no one, several Narwhals push the laws of physics to outrun danger, destiny, and the referee’s whistle.
High Barnet, Planet Northern Line
19:30:00 UTC; 30th March 2026
4 Narwhals stand on the precipice. Kick off is fast approaching, but we don’t have enough men to win the battle.
“5 minutes to kick off”, the referees are agitated. Where are they?
The Bridge, somewhere near Croydon, Earth
18:45:00 UTC; 26th February 2025
“Late again Finchy!” cries Comrade Winterbotham.
“Sorrrryyyyyyyy”
“Can we make it??”
Finch Jr gets out a pen, his calculator and a fag packet. “Fuck, this is bad. We should have left 10 years ago!”
“What?!”
“We can still make it…”
“Great let’s get going then”
“…but it’s going to cost us”
“I’ve already got 12 points on my licence and paid thousands in fines. We can take the cost”
“It’s more than that” sighs Finch Jr. “We have to employ: Project Hail Barnet”.
Distance: 10.6 Light Years
F19CHY Spaceship Mass: 2,000kg
“This is going to require 10g boys, that’s not going to pleasant. Good thing we are highly trained athletes.” Finch Jnr elongates his thumb and little finger, placing his thumb to his nose in the Narwhal salute. “Finchy, not gonna be cheap either, especially with the price of rocket fuel these days”
“How much do we need?”
“25 thousand tons”
“What?” exclaims Comrade, “who has that sort of fuel lying around?”
“Let us deal with that Comrade”
Finchy pops the trunk. He hauls out multiple cases of a cloudy yellow liquid.
“What is that?” asks Comrade, looking suspicious
“Let’s just say they don’t make it any more and it’s incredibly hard to get hold of. Also don’t ever drink it, unless you want to end up on the other side of the universe with no fucking idea how you got there”
They pour the liquid into F19CHY, Comrade catches a faint whiff of lemon, strange. They all jump in.
“One more thing” Finch Jnr cautions, “this calculation takes us to 0.998c. At those speeds time dilation kicks in. We’ll get there on time, but over 10 years will pass in Croydon.”
“Our team needs us! We have no choice” Comrade yells bravely
“Croydon will still be a shit hole in 10 years” laughs Finchy as he slams down the accelerator and F19CHY speeds into the distance.
Queen Elizabeth Boys School, Planet End of the Northern Line
19:34:00 UTC; 30th March 2026
F19CHY slams into Barnet and the 3 Narwhals rush onto poolside just in time for kick off. We have 7!
But where are the other 2?
Buoyed by the timely arrival of their shot stopper, chief enforcement officer and close combat specialist, the Narwhals took an early lead and raced ahead 5-3 in the first quarter.
The extraterrestrials came back in the second, with plenty of wayward sniping and shit balls into the pit being punished on the counter, Enfield edging ahead 8-7.
A cagey 3rd ended 10-10, but the superior fitness of the Narwhals (elongate thumb and little finger, place thumb to nose) saw them come out triumphant 14-11 by the end of the game.
Man of the match goes to Finchy for his close combat shotgun prowess claiming 6 goals.
Moment for Winterbotham for a penalty save at the pivotal moment just before half time.
Fluffer. Well. Remember “the other 2”?
- Part time shot stopper, part time fluffer. George arrives mid game due to being illiterate
- Tim Young, Master of Physics from Oxford University, got his calculations wrong and missed the start of the game
Croydon, Earth
September 2047
The intrepid Narwhals return triumphant. After 22 months of travel at near light speed, F19CHY lands at Whitgift. The planned stop over in Portugal cancelled due to contributions from all 9 members.
Has Westfield been built yet? Has the main stand at Selhurst Park been completed? Do they still serve Hop Head at the Crown & Sceptre? Will there be tour this year? Only time (whatever that may be) will tell.
