Winter (League) Is Coming: A Song of Ice and Fire

(if the fire is your eyes burning from the Chlorine)

House Narwhal of the Shallow End 12 – 12 Beckenham II (The White Walkers) 

The leaves have turned and the evenings have drawn in. The Summer League is over, and somewhere a Maester has sent a white raven to Whitgift: the winter league is here. For House Narwhal of the Shallow End, the Winter League opened with a long, drawn our battle against Beckenham II.

House Narwhal brought twelve sworn swords to the fight. Among them was First Ranger Oggy, back from a long patrol beyond the Wall, frostbitten and blinking at the strange southern custom of indoor heating. Also returning was Crown Prince Gio Di Mari of Dorne, who graced the capital after several months in the sun of his homeland. Both were a welcome sight, though the Maesters had some concerns about their fitness. We had no dragons, but we did have wildlings: TJ and Will, who came raiding down from the wilds of Surrey and were mostly kept away from sharp objects for their own safety.

First Quarter: The Long Night Begins

Things started badly. Our passing and shooting made it hard for us to gain a foothold in the game. Despite issuing commands, our banners were ignored and the troop formations were tardy at best. We were very much in the game but couldn't turn our pressure into goals.

The White Walkers had no such problem. Their aim was as cold and precise as an ice spear, and they pulled clear to 4–1 by the end of the quarter.

There was trouble in our own ranks too. Nick "Littlefinger" Shute, fresh from his business interests in the brothels of Croydon, picked up two majors in under a minute. That left him walking a tightrope over the Moon Door for the rest of the night. Chaos is a ladder, Nick. It isn't a tactic.

Second Quarter: The Battle of Blackwater Bay

Q2 started no better. We conceded almost immediately to go 5–1 down. Watching from the side of the pool felt a lot like being Stannis Baratheon as his fleet went up in wildfire. It was a sinking feeling, quite literally.

Then the tide turned. Littlefinger, Rob "King in the North" Dickinson and Eddard "Ned" Gamble scored in quick succession, and Littlefinger added another just before the buzzer. Ned Stark scored and kept his head, which is a first for any Stark. By half-time the White Walkers' lead was down to 5–6.

Much of the credit went to George of House Adam, whose words "Ours Is the Boardgame" were reflective of his strategic positioning in goal. He made save after save and stood in his goal like Hodor in the doorway. Unlike Hodor, he has a [slightly] wider vocabulary, similar intelligence.

Third Quarter: The Knights of the Vale

In the third quarter House Narwhal truly rallied. It was our version of the Knights of the Vale arriving at the Battle of the Bastards. (That's the battle from the TV show, by the way. Not Zach and TJ having a wrestle in the showers.)

Littlefinger kept scheming his way through the defence and scored a hat-trick in the quarter. Matt "The Hound" Finch chipped in a goal from the pit, and the mighty Narwhals took the lead.

There was still the problem of Beckenham's champion, Blue 2. He kept drifting in off the left flank to score backhands from point-blank range. He was clearly raised by the Night King himself, and nothing could stop him: not double-teaming, not prayer, not dragon-glass. He finished with five goals and made it look easy. Even so, House Narwhal went into the final quarter 9–8 up. The comeback was on!

Fourth Quarter: The Red Wedding (Nearly)

The fourth quarter started better than any of us dared hope. The Crown Prince of Dorne produced a moment of pure Martell magic, twisting and turning past defenders like a Water Dancer of Braavos before driving the ball into the net. It reminded us of his heroics last season, and we would quite like him not to vanish for months again. Littlefinger then added another, putting us 11–8 up with four minutes to go.

But as every Game of Thrones fan knows, the moment you feel safe is the moment Walder Frey locks the doors.

With 3:55 on the clock, The Hound won a penalty. In the spirit of "you kill it, you keep it", he took it himself. It was a damp squib. The keeper gathered it like a Lannister collecting a debt. Beckenham went straight down the other end and scored to make it 11–9.

Then the City Watch caught Littlefinger with his third major for too much underhand business in the alleys of Flea Bottom, and he was banished from the realm. The tide of battle turned completely: 11–10. 11–11. 11–12.

With 40 seconds left, House Narwhal was a goal down. The army had broken. Gary "Walder Frey" Bowen and TJ had already fled to Essos, never to be seen again. We had forgotten what hope meant. All was despair.

The Final Arrow

With 30 seconds to go, the clock died. It was darkness, the true Long Night, and in the confusion our foes fumbled as we launched one last counter-attack.

Pass. Pass. Shot. Save. Corner.

Ned Stark took the corner and found First Ranger Oggy. The Hound wrestled with several defenders like Brienne on the cliffs. The ball was released, looping and dipping…

…the full-time whistle…

…THE NET BULGES!

A buzzer-beater with one second left! A classic Gary Bowen back post lob. It was the final arrow, a stab in the dark, Arya on the Night King, and a draw snatched from the jaws of victory. Final score: 12–12.

The Feast at the Crown and Sceptre

Giddy at escaping defeat, House Narwhal marched to the pub for many celebratory fruity ciders, and the bards were already singing of the saga. Nobody was stabbed, and the Frey family was not invited.

The Small Council Honours

• Man of the Match: Littlefinger, for six goals, valiant swimming and his continuing "business interests" in Croydon. He was a hero right up until he got himself permanently excluded, which currently very much on brand.

• Moment of the Match: First Ranger Oggy, for the last-gasp winner. Sorry: the game-saving, draw-earning back-post lob. A true Gary Bowen Special, executed by someone who actually claims to have the skill to do it...

• Fluffer: The Hound, for missing his penalty and ruining it for everyone. Two weeks in the Black Cells.

• Special mention: Crown Prince Gio. Did we mention we're happy to have him back? Please don't leave us again.

Until next time…

What is wet may never dry.

Forza Narwhali