Financially Fair Polo: 115 Charges and a Penalty Save

WT Narwhals 17 – 11 Blue Marlins (allegedly)

The Premier League has its crunch matches, its title deciders, its relegation six-pointers. The Summer London League has its own version: a fixture neither side particularly wanted to win. Going into the final game of the season, the Marlins sat 2nd and the Narwhals 3rd. A Narwhals win changed nothing. A Marlins win could, depending on results elsewhere, mean promotion to Division 2, a fate that frightened both squads more than shivering on the side of Bushy Park Lido. It had all the makings of a nearly-top-of-the-table classic.

Then we walked out on poolside and saw the opposition bench.

Thirteen players. Thirteen. The Marlins had always been a recreational team who put forward a solid 9 or 10. A very narwhals-esq brand of polo. Now, apparently out of nowhere, they had a squad big enough to rotate. Worse, most of them looked young, fit and athletic, and some of them looked like they might be good at water polo. For a London League Division 3 fixture, this is not squad depth. There was something very fishy hear (beyond the club name…). Nobody gets that size of squad at this level without creative accounting, some generous "associated party" sponsorship and possibly a Gulf-based airline paying well over the odds for the logo on their trunks. The crowd of “youth” along the side of the pool were presumably all Etihad "commercial staff". The Independent Commission has been informed. We expect a verdict in about 2034.

The Narwhals, as ever, were operating on a slightly smaller budget. TJ was missing because he was busy entertaining a lady friend, who was also our only supporter of the evening. Rob Dickinson was missing because he had forgotten it was Wednesday. In fairness, when every day ends in disappointment they must all blur together. TJ eventually appeared just before the swim-off, having warned his guest beforehand "not to expect much". It may be the most honest pre-match briefing in Narwhal history.

The tactics were simple: don't be rubbish. We knew who their danger men were. We were less sure what to do about the other twelve.

First Quarter: The Shock of Competence

The game started so well it was suspicious. Three possessions, three goals, 3–0 to the Narwhals. Nobody was ready for that, least of all the Narwhals, and the shock did its damage. Within two minutes it was 3–3, and normal service had resumed.

The real story of the quarter was the Marlins' marquee signing, Blue 7. He is their "star player" and Nick Shute's best friend, and he was already on two majors. You can buy a squad, but you can't buy composure. Quarter ends 4–3 to the Narwhals.

Second Quarter: The Italian Job

The second quarter was cagey, with goals and majors traded evenly. Matt Finch found his form in the pit and started getting the opposition excluded for fun. In a rare show of discipline he didn't complain to the referees. Much.

With two minutes to go, a haze of white water broke out on the Narwhals' 3 metres. The whistle went and the bodies came up one by one. First up was Mr Shute, who was promptly excluded for his customary "Blue Marlin Italian Scrap", a ritual that is now less a foul and more a fixture tradition. To general delight, the next to come up was Blue 7, who was also excluded. That made three majors before half-time, and the Marlins' record signing was off. A sight sweeter than bottomless tiramisu.

Some would say the match plan had been executed to perfection. Others suggested the referee was on the take. We can neither confirm nor deny. Half-time: 7–6 to the Narwhals.

Third Quarter: VAR, Cash and Cat-Like Reflexes

Despite the psychological edge, the third quarter stayed tight. Finch Senior kept running the pit, but goals were scarce and traded evenly. Then came a potential turning point. Gary Bowen pulled back an opponent and gave away a penalty. Naturally the VAR room was on the same payroll as everyone else in blue, so there was never any chance of it being overturned.

Step forward Super George Adam. With cat-like reflexes and the calm of a man who has never been near a dodgy balance sheet, George saved the penalty and swung momentum firmly back to the Narwhals. Three-quarter time: 10–9 to the Narwhals.

The Team Talk

At the pre-Q4 huddle, the squad urged each other not to let it slip and to try hard. The rallying cry, once again, was "Don't be rubbish." Even John Holah offered some wisdom, something about swimming hard and punching harder. The legal team has asked us not to clarify.

Our lone supporter had no idea what was going on.

Fourth Quarter: Fitness, Skill and Absolutely No Sponsorship

Q4 came as a surprise to everyone. There was a flurry of goals and majors, and all of them went the Narwhals' way. Everyone who hadn't scored yet got on the sheet (phew), saving us all having to buy some cheap EasyJet tickets. TJ scored twice, which may also have secured his late-night plans, having seemingly decided the best way to impress a lady is to exceed her extremely low expectations. Even Holah got involved with a mesmerising counter-attack swim that some viewers are still processing.

In the end our "fitness" and "skill" beat the petrodollars. Commitment, ability and a squad held together by shit chat and fruity cider proved that money can't buy everything. It can buy thirteen players, but apparently not a win at Fortress Narwhali.

Final score: WT Narwhals 17 – 11 Blue Marlins.

Kudos to Nick Shute for his four goals and tactical majors. Special mention also to Andy W for manning the table for all four quarters. Our own special agent on the look out for covert operatives and dodgy dealings…

Awards (Pending Independent Review)

• Man of the Match: Matt Finch, for seven goals from the pit. He boasted about going for eight and then didn't score again. Ambition, much like a Premier League investigation, is a marathon rather than a sprint.

• Moment of the Match: George Adam, for the penalty save that kept us ahead.

• Fluffer: Rob Dickinson, for forgetting what day of the week it was. Calendars are available from all good stationers. Special mention to Will, who should seriously consider laser eye surgery.

So the Narwhals finish 3rd in the Summer London League. We stayed competitive, kept our dignity (mostly) and avoided promotion. Our away form may have let us down a little, but we'll leave that for the next Independent Commission.

On to the Winter League! Badooooop.

Forza Narwhali