Centre Parks

Match Report – Filed remotely from the sub-tropical paradise of Centre Parcs

As the Narwhals took to the pool against Kingston on Wednesday night, your faithful correspondent was sadly unavailable - otherwise engaged navigating the far less turbulent waters of Centre Parcs' lazy river, relaxing with a beer and dodging scooters piloted by small, sugar-fuelled children. In my absence it was somehow decided that I would write the match report… so I decided to focus less on the water polo and instead write about how much fun I was having not being in the pool with my teammates.

The game, I’m told, ended 15–11 in favour of Kingston, a scoreline that strongly suggests the Narwhals missed the pinpoint assists and gladiatorial grit of their favourite player, Gimli "Hero" Gamble. With my usual spot on the team sheet left cold and lonely, the team did their best to soldier on without their talismanic utility benchwarmer.

Apparently also absent was Zach Finch, reportedly in Portugal - though, given his usual matchday contributions (looping shots over the bar, calculated major fouls at halfway), it’s unclear whether his absence was noticed by anyone apart from airport security. Joining Zach in Portugal was Luke Penfold although this time perhaps known by a different name (although it is a common name in Croydon) about whom I know nothing of note…

Now, to the action as described by the half-complete match sheet and the occasional WhatsApp message:

• Nick "Sharpshooter" Shute found the back of the net five times, because of course he did. He now averages 4.91 goals a game, which is statistically impressive but numerically irritating.

• Gio "The Italian Stallion" Di Mari chipped in with two goals.

• Matt "Pregnator-in-Chief" Finch dutifully provided three goals, drawing level on season goals with a certain absent Hispanic lothario.

• Gary, in a bold interpretation of "scoring a goal", slotted one into the wrong net. I trust he did the honourable thing and went home immediately, ideally without a post-match beer.

As for the nominations, I only received two votes - democracy at its finest. Due to the tragically low voter turnout, I’m reserving judgment on Man of the Match and Moment until further pub-based investigations are completed. However, one point came across loud and clear – it was even announced over the Centre Parks tannoy, Bing Bing Bing, “FLUFFER FOR GARY. FLUFFER FOR GARY” Bing Bing Bing.  

Anyway, enough about the game, more about Centre Parks. We had lovely weather; I enjoyed several beers, and I made the most of my middle-class dad roof box. As I floated around the lazy river, exuding the aura of a man unbothered by drop defence or baffling refereeing calls, I was thoroughly glad not to have to spend my Wednesday evening with these reprobates.

So, to recap: the Narwhals lost, I had a lovely time at Centre Parks, and we learned that Gary should perhaps focus on scoring in the right direction.

Until next time, may your passes be crisp, your fouls subtle, and your holidays well-timed.

Did I mention I had a delightful time at Centre Parks?

Forza Narwhali

Ed pictured Happily at Centre Parks (recreation)