This match report has been dedicated to the upstairs of the Treehouse. We recieved news this week that the once passable Croydon nightclub has been permanently closed down. and as such, will not be letting George try and pick up girls or Finch Sr buy jagerbombs anymore. It will be greatly missed... Oh no! Anyway... On Wednesday 3rd April, the mighty Narwhals travelled to Cheam to take part in our first London League game of 2024. We expected a team of 10 – and by swim-off, we were a solid 9. We were of course missing Mr. Shute who had somehow managed to end up on a closed road which had been open but 5minutes before. Despite the team of 9, only one thing was on our minds, what had happened to George’s match report?
Quarter 1 – Swim off won. Clearly taking a break from his journalism duties had helped George find some extra pace. That or the “half-way” cone was slightly misplaced. We quickly conceded three goals before Mr. Shute bothered to turn up. Shute in the water, two unanswered goals and an assist (kindly shared by Mr. Gamble) – job done. 3-3 at the close.
But where was George’s match report? Quarter 2 – attacking the shallow end. We weren’t very good. There was a distinct lack of tracking back and our attack faltered. Even our Italian stallion struggled with the depth and kept getting his bronzed physique very clearly out the water. Gary also had a bit of a brain fart and gently lobbed the ball to the opposition on 8m who said thanks very much and took an easy goal. The only highlight of the quarter was a now seemingly customary goal from Mr. Gamble – but still no match report from George.
8-4 to Sutton. Insights into the game at the LAC severely lacking.
Quarter 3 – back in the deep and back on form. Whilst we struggled to win any majors and/or win any fouls but did pick our game and won the quarter 3-2. Some solid D, and George took some time in goal to ensure he avoided a trip to Portugal. Dubious fines committee anyone? Even so, he did make some good saves, despite not having written his match report.
Quarter 4 – into the shallows – cramp setting in. Apparently, it was so bad, George couldn’t hold a pen… or even type… or whatever Gen Z do these days… Tik Tok? George got another swim-off win, presumably seeing if he can swim away from his inevitable fines. Again, no tracking back from a certain Top-Knotted CFO meant we struggled defensively. Some fine last minute 1:1 saves from Andy W was a small redeeming feature for the final 7mins.
Final score: 15-9 to Sutton. The real loser, journalistic integrity.
Man of the match was shared 3 ways this week with 2 votes each – Gamble for being a goal machine, Shute for also scoring goals and George for winning his swim-offs… but pending a VAR review, he may be stripped of this coveted prize.
Moment goes to Andy W for his magnificent 1:1 saves late in the fourth.
Fluffer – Gary – for the brain fart.
But where is George’s match report? 8th April stats
Stats are in and you're in for a shock!
Not really, Shute has taken the lead at the top of the goal scoring charts with a top-knotted father of 12 tied for 2nd with Ed Gamble of all people. How this has happened I do not know.
Majors looking pretty one sided as Zach finds himself punching as opposed to the punching bag. Rob following up behind but there's no real competition for this spot.
Finch jr leading the way with fluffers aswell (authors note: Group punishment is harsh) with Sr chasing him for hte long run. The Finch family tradition of being shit is really taking its toll.
Gamble is somehow tied for the lead with our goalkeeper for our Motm awards, don't know how this has happened but it really goes to show that not being shit is the bare minimum for this club.
Finally, with a Goal Difference of -46, and a win yet to come this season, is it a return to the standard for the Whitgift Trinity Narwhals, or merely a dip in standards?
Until next time – Forza Narwhali